if you want to know why i love you so hard
if you want to know why i look away
i never want you to feel what i feel
and i dont know how to hold what youre giving me
One thing I am absolutely certain of, is that you can’t be in love-ACTUAL, real love-without knowing yourself (every last terrible detail) and learning to be happy alone. Yes, some people bring these realizations out of you. And you can have love for people, undoubtedly. But confusing anything else for being truly “in love” is just substituting the hard work for the distraction of concerning yourself with another human’s needs, worst case scenario “fixing” and projecting the weaknesses of your own. You’re selling yourself short, and the other person for that matter.
I look back on all the terrible things I’ve done, sometimes. And every now and then something triggers terrible things that have happened, or that I let happen, to me. And I am just so, SO glad, that’s not what I understand “love” to be anymore.
Everyone’s issuing statements and opinions, declaring unsolicited truths
Like they’re experts on other people dying
And entitled to their life
Well, have you died yet?
Don’t owe you my happiness, then?
Once you have
Died every day in your life, then I’ll ask your advice.
Why can’t you just be happy?
Clearly it’s very simple, they are all shouting.
You must be a selfish fool to be so sad.
Clearly you have never met your darkness
Never traveled your depths
Fought yourself for air…
It’s a shame, then
You will never know
I’ve become much more focused, simple and happy over the last year or two. My demeanor has changed, my energy has changed. While I hate to seem callous in my newer dealings with people, I don’t have the capacity to be any different – not because I don’t care about other peoples’ battles, but because I have expended SO MUCH energy on the same struggles of my own: depression, anxiety, insomnia (and the fucking insanity that causes), heartbreak, being screwed over and trying to “fight for what’s right” (a lost cause if your energy is focused on other people), drinking too much, subconscious self-loathing (not outright self hatred, I’ve always loved life – but the unintentional self sabotage that comes from lacking fundamental understanding of your own personal worth and power) – and the breakthroughs came when I was at my absolute worst.
Meds truly buffered the intensity, as promised, until I could gather the information and discoveries I needed to completely strip myself down to the most uncomfortable space that exists inside ones being. With this information, it was when I finally took myself OFF Prozac, Zoloft, and Wellbutrin, that the information and discoveries were able to take hold, and pull me out of my rock bottom.
Understand, I absolutely DON’T recommend anyone coming off Meds sooner than discussed with their MD/DO, and certainly NOT in less than a year or without continued visits to their Therapist, but… Now, more than anything, it’s a frustrating sadness that makes me angry when I see people I care about go through the same thing. But just as I had to get there on my own, being angry at the world won’t serve them any, nor will my insistence that they get to their own “there” any faster than is meant for them. It hurts, and it’s terrible, but I just want everyone to know, it truly does, absolutely, 100%, get better.