Today I read this strange article about why humans select mates biologically for reproduction yet mentally/emotionally select people with similar traits to horrible people in our lives to complete the healing process of adults who hurt us during our childhood. 

There is apparently a fullfilment process we undergo wherein after the romantic love phase of courtship, when we have established the norms and comforts needed to proceed, the various chemicals wear off, and we are faced with the Power Struggle phase of a relationship:

We can only be healed by the one who wounds us or a very reasonable facsimile. We seem to be created so that the human psyche will only accept emotional healing from someone similar to the one who does the wounding. There is in all of us an innate striving for wholeness and completion that requires the selection of a mate that has the greatest potential for the healing of any childhood wounds and the fulfilling of any unmet childhood needs… But no one in their right mind would ever choose someone that had similar negative traits of their wounding parents. Who would consciously look for a life partner who is depressed, unavailable, distant and critical? It’s as though Nature had to find a way to get us connected and bonded to a person who would eventually be painfully incompatible in very specific areas.

As a solution, Nature created romantic love. Romantic love puts us temporarily on drugs, suppresses our awareness of the negative traits of our partner… We remain in this state until we are bonded… then the drugs wear off, the bandages are ripped from our eyes and we see our partners as they really are: depressed, critical, not available, unreliable, neglectful--remarkably similar to negative traits in our parents. This is where most people bail out. They mistakenly conclude that they have made a major selection error, failing to see that this is indeed part of a natural plan for emotional healing. Almost half of all[couples] split up somewhere in this power struggle phase. And singles decide they have made a bad choice and move on to another relationship where the cycle begins again [and ends in the same unfulfilled way]. These are indeed tragic and for the most part unnecessary choices.

There appears to be another factor in the selection process that makes this plan of nature even more remarkable. Not only are we connected with someone who could be the most powerful healer for us, we are also put with someone who will require us to grow in areas we are deficient in so that we can be a healer for them. What one partner needs the most for healing, the other is least able to give--until a part of the self that was repressed is activated and character defenses are softened;

• If we learned to protect ourselves as children by suppressing the emotional side of our self-functions, we will be put with someone who will require that we share our feelings at a significant level for their own healing.
• If we learned to be diffuse and emotional, we will be put with someone who will implore us to become more rational or thoughtful.
• If we found it was dangerous to reach out for contact or emotional closeness and became quiet and distant, we will be attracted to someone who will need us to reach out for emotional closeness in order for them to be healed, someone who will beg and demand us to initiate contact.
• If we learned as a child to be overly clinging or needy, we will be attracted to someone who will ask us to give them space, respect their separateness and enjoy their freedom.

This is probably the same place each of my relationships have fallen apart, after the average cycle of 2-3 years and at the peak of the Power Struggle phase. I wonder if this is true, and you are supposed to push further until you recognize the pieces of yourself that are lacking and fulfill them and grow the fuck up, get over it, and be a stronger person merely by undergoing intensely uncomfortable periods with the person you feel most comfortable with. I don't know that the worst of these phases would have been safe for me to continue to endure, by any means (being dragged up a flight of stairs by your neck, for instance, and then suffocated until you black out, is not very fun)... but it makes sense. However, I have to question how this applies to the friend-couples I know that don't (seemingly) have the power struggle phase (or it is incredibly short-lived). Do they necessarily have childhoods without any sort of hurt or betrayal by adults? This could really go on and on...

Growing up is a pretty irritating process. Well, growing up is inevitable. I should say, being intelligent is a curse. Telling people what I think and feel, with complete authenticity, honesty and sincerity, is a curse. But I have this driving urge to be a whole, upstanding, authentic person, so much so that I audit my own thoughts so often pushing myself over and over for the kind of completeness, correctness, transparency and objectivity I would when auditing financial statements. Being human and all, you can imagine this is a fairly infuriating and futile process. But I do discover little gems along the way. And this process is the ONE thing I have never been good at. I am a stellar student, talented, and good at so many things, yet relationships fail me over and over again because so many times we let too much of ourselves in the way of other people to see what the fuck we are doing, need to do, or should have done. Of course, I would often give anything to be unencumbered by these constant philosophical intellectual and emotional circus shenanigans. My needs and goals are simple: finish grad school, make $100K, have a little baby boy to ride skateboards and motorcycles and do fun bad little boy stuff, and be completely in love with someone who is my best friend, savior, hero, and greatest treasure.

Without love, where would you be now?